I had a dream

Recovery is an interesting process.  I know I’ve related this before on this blog, but it’s such a profound thought that I feel like I can’t stop restating it.  My therapist has said that therapy isn’t limited to our session time.  Outside of session time, I can be my own therapist, and continue to work on all of the issues that come up.  This is so true...and so infinitely empowering!  I find that my own “mindfulness” sessions, consisting of writing, meditation, and slow running, have brought an incredible amount of clarity and guidance.One theme that has been coming up for me recently has to do...

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stepping off the hamster wheel

When you’re an adult child of a narcissist, it’s not only about what you suffered as a child.  It’s also about repeating deeply ingrained patterns of behavior that you were taught, either overtly or subconsciously, by your parents.  You likely learned that your needs were of lesser importance than others.  You probably feel uncomfortable if you know that someone else doesn’t feel well, sad, or unstable, and you work often against your best interests to correct those feelings in other people.  Even when your own “inner voice of wisdom” is shouting at you, saying that a particular friend may not be the...

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where do you end, and where do I begin?

One of the classic symptoms of a narcissist is the complete and total disregard for personal boundaries.  In the case of a narcissistic parent, the child is often just seen as an extension of the self, or as a possession that the parent has every right to manipulate as he or she sees fit.  In my case, with both parents being narcissists, I have had no respect for my own self, space, and especially my privacy throughout my entire life.This manifested itself in some seemingly strange behavior when I was growing up.  Some of these things may not seem THAT odd, but when combined with all of the other symptoms,...

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my body is my own

My narcissistic parents were positively obsessed with looks.  Both of my parents always dressed “to the nines” during my growing-up years.  It was the 80s, when women frequently matched their purses to their brightly colored shoes.  My mom took it to the next level.  She had matching shoes, purses, and earrings perfectly coordinated to each of her outfits, and she dressed in a formal way to do even the most casual of activities, such as grocery shopping.  My dad was the male equivalent; it was almost like he was the stereotype of the quintessential 80s yuppie-type, even though he worked in public...

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but what about me: holidays and the narcissistic parent

I’m not much of a holiday or birthday person, and I generally don’t care all that much about receiving cards or gifts in celebration of such said occasions.  In fact, my husband and I rarely “exchange gifts” in a traditional way for things like Christmas or anniversaries.  Typically, we do something - like go on a trip, or buy something together that we’ve always wanted.  Or we do what is most important to both of us: spend time together.I realized recently that I’ve spent much of my adult life avoiding participation in holiday events.  One way I accomplished this was by choosing a vocation that forced...

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rewriting history

This past week in session, my therapist suggested something very profound to me: I may only spend one hour per week in therapy, but my therapy isn’t limited to that one single hour.  I can be my own therapist during other hours during the week, and instead of listening to the introjections in my head that stem from my upbringing, I can start listening to introjections from the therapist in my own mind.  Talk about an empowering idea!One thing that has been incredibly helpful recently - aside from writing almost every day on this blog - is rehashing memories of dealing with my parents through conversations with my...

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be very very afraid: fear as control

Much of my adult life, I’ve been plagued with panic attacks and bouts of paranoia anytime I’ve been faced with unfamiliar or new situations.  From simply attending a conference at work to flying on an airplane, I’ve literally been struck with terror, and have had to force myself through feelings of intense discomfort in order to accomplish almost anything.  And I’ve tried EVERYTHING to address these issues!  I’ve been to therapists, acupuncture, meditation courses, holistic healers, and tried self-hypnosis, energy medicine, EFT, prescription medication, and everything else one can imagine to just “survive”...

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